comeback |ˈkəmˌbak|
noun
1 a return by a well-known person, especially an entertainer or sportsplayer, to the activity in which they have formerly been successful.Hello old friend, it's been a long time.
If you came back today I'm guessing it's either because you fall into one of two catorgories. 1.) You're family or a friend wanting to support my efforts or, 2.) (much like me) you are curious why the long absence, and even more curious why come back? Why now? Don't get wrong, I'm not trying to be cynical but more of a realist. You can't keep readers when you take off an entire year with no warning. I know this. No matter your reason for reading today, I'm glad you're here.
When I left off we had just moved back to the city and had been working with a church plant in Norman. Can I just tell you how much we loved it? The church and the people there were exactly what we needed at that time. We were happy and we saw a future there, but God had a different plan for us. We started there in August and the church closed their doors in January.
In February for the first time in both of our lives we didn't have a home church. The first few weeks were kind of exciting. We could go wherever we wanted, there were so many options. It was fun, hearing different speakers, different worship styles, seeing old friends. It was also a nice break to just attend services, not having to open or close the church, not having any responsibilities, to just walk in hear the word and then leave was a breath of fresh air. It was a break that we both really needed. And we were both thankful for that time of rest.
Then the rest turned into restlessness. In March the preacher started his full time (non-minstry) job, and we both knew it was time to stop floating from church to church and find a home church. We both felt the longing to be used in ministry and we had a longing to be apart of a community again. Can I just tell you how lonely if felt going to churches and not being apart of it? Let me clarify that it had nothing to do with the churches we were visiting, they were all great churches. What was different was that for the first time we were on the flip side of things. We were the ones be greeted instead of the ones greeting, we had such a hard time trying to figure out where we belonged. What role did we fit into now?
For a long time we both have felt God moving us into a different direction ministry-wise, but neither of us had any idea what that meant. To be honest we still don't, but we do know that everything that has happened so far God has used to prepare us for what is ahead. So we keep praying and searching.
While all this is going on I felt a shift in my life, but I had no idea what it was or why it was happening. For a while I blamed it on turning 30 (yah that happened while I was away) I thought I was having a hard time dealing with getting older. I thought I needed a change and that would get me out of the funk I was in, so I cut off all my hair. Even though I love my new hair and it was a change that I needed it didn't change this self doubt I had. It didn't change this unknown feeling lurking in the back of my head.
For almost 9 years I had clung to the identity of being a pastor's wife. I loved this role, even in the hard times which there were plenty of. When I was in college one of my bible teachers told us (more than once, by the way) that pastors were not the only ones who were called into their role. He said that being the wife of a pastor is a calling from God, and I whole-heartly believed it. I still do. I know that I have been called by God to be the wife of the preacher. (The preacher, not just any preacher) I valued my role so much that I let it become my identity. Then all of a sudden my identity was gone. Then something started to happen, I began to doubt myself. I began to doubt myself as a mother, what if I'm not good enough for them. I began to doubt myself in things I used to take so much joy and pride in. Instead of enjoying life and the people that I loved, and the hobbies that I loved all I could do was compare myself to others. I compared every area of my life to someone else who seemed to have it all figured out. The comparing led to the doubt, I felt like I couldn't do anything right. I only took out my camera when I was asked specifically to, and even then I dreaded it because I felt like I just couldn't measure up. Everything I did was a reminder of who I wasn't and I couldn't figure out why.
I was in a funk, I didn't know why i was there, and I had no idea how to get out of it.
This was the reason for the absence of the blog, I had nothing to say. I had nothing to show.
I think the worst part of it was that I couldn't figure out why I felt the way it did. All I knew was something was off.
How many times have you heard someone talk about not understanding a time in their life until it was over? Once you look back you have that "oh well now that makes sense" moment. I was in the middle of that moment. I had no doubt that we were doing what God wanted for us, so why did I feel this way?
Then, God in His gentle loving ways showed me.
Somewhere along the way I had forgotten something. I had forgotten where I find my real identity. I had over time, piece by piece, taken my identity away from where is it is supposed to stay and placed it in things of the world. I had forgotten that before I am a photographer, blogger, crafter, friend, mother, and wife, I am a daughter of the King. My identity is in Christ, and Christ alone.
For some of you this might seem kind of ridiculous, how can I forget something as simple as this? It's one of the first things we learn as Christ followers right? I think the problem for me was that doing became more important than being.
I love my role as the pastor's wife, as Daniel's wife. I love being his helpmate, I love the team we make in ministry and in our family. I love being mommy to my girls, I love that God has given me charge in raising them to love Him. I have loved all the roles I've had in church, from nursery duty to cleaning up after events. I love my role as friend, I have the very best friends anyone could ever ask for. I could keep going, on and on about the different roles in my life that God has blessed me with. The roles that are so important to me, important enough that I want to be the best I can at them.
John 15:4 says: "Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a bank cannot produce fruit if ti is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me." Other translations say "abide in me". I had turned my roles into "doing" and not "abiding". My actions became more important, my actions are what drove me. The hardest part about writing this is that I didn't have a clue that I had become this. Slowly I allowed my roles to become my identity. I was the preacher's wife, Charlee & Jo's mom, the photographer, the blogger, I could go on and on.
If you keep reading in John 15 Jesus says "apart from me you can do nothing". This is where I was, I felt like I could do nothing. The comparing, doubting, and not knowing, it all comes from not abiding. How often do we get wrapped up in the doing and forget the being? To just be, be in Christ. I'm not going to lie I felt dumb, and weak. But then God led me to this verse:
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come." 2 Cor. 5:15
Can we just take a moment to really take in this verse?
I mean think about this, the old is gone. All my mistakes, my insecurities, my self-doubt, my selfishness, it's all gone.
I get a fresh start.
I am a new creation.
How amazing is it that the creator of the universe loves us enough to give us new beginnings? Loves me enough to gently show me the way back to Him. That is why this isn't a comeback, it's a new beginning.
I am so excited to see where He takes us from here. I hope you'll join me on this new adventure.
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